I went to church last night. It was the first time I’d been there in almost a month. In fact, I’ve not been anywhere except home and various hospitals and doctor’s offices. So for some reason, the thought of being in a crowd nearly gave me panic attacks.
I could have taken some of the meds they gave me for that, but I refused. I’m trying to wean off the meds all together.
Several people at my church have had gastric bypass surgery, and as I explained exactly what had happened I could see the fear in a few eyes. So I pointed out the fact that my research shows this particular gastric bypass surgery complication happens to only 3-5% of all patients. So statistically, I’ve got us all covered. It shouidn’t happen to anyone else I know.
Right now, my biggest problem is fighting off depression.
I haven’t been able to work, and the family finances are really tight. And sitting around doing nothing is driving me insane. But at the same time, going back to work scares me. I’m sure once I get back into the routine I’ll be fine, but the first few baby steps in for some reason are just fraught with anxiety.
I guess I’ve just been through a really traumatic thing and I should cut myself some slack. But it bugs me that I’m so nervous. I can’t stand the thought of being dependant on anxiety meds. I once had a friend who got addicted to the exact combination of pain and anxiety meds that have now been prescribed for me, and her life was ruined. Of course, she didn’t stop with morphine and Xanax. And neither of them had ever even been prescribed to her. I know that’s not going to happen to me. But still, it bugs me. She was someone I cared about very much.
I just so want all of this to be over. I wish I could do like Adam Sandler in that movie, Click (I think), where he had the remote control and could fast foward life. I want to get to the point where things are back to normal.
Normal just can’t come fast enough.