Baby Steps Back To Normalcy

I went to church last night. It was the first time I’d been there in almost a month. In fact, I’ve not been anywhere except home and various hospitals and doctor’s offices. So for some reason, the thought of being in a crowd nearly gave me panic attacks.

I could have taken some of the meds they gave me for that, but I refused. I’m trying to wean off the meds all together.

Several people at my church have had gastric bypass surgery, and as I explained exactly what had happened I could see the fear in a few eyes. So I pointed out the fact that my research shows this particular gastric bypass surgery complication happens to only 3-5% of all patients. So statistically, I’ve got us all covered. It shouidn’t happen to anyone else I know.

Right now, my biggest problem is fighting off depression.

I haven’t been able to work, and the family finances are really tight. And sitting around doing nothing is driving me insane. But at the same time, going back to work scares me. I’m sure once I get back into the routine I’ll be fine, but the first few baby steps in for some reason are just fraught with anxiety.

I guess I’ve just been through a really traumatic thing and I should cut myself some slack. But it bugs me that I’m so nervous. I can’t stand the thought of being dependant on anxiety meds. I once had a friend who got addicted to the exact combination of pain and anxiety meds that have now been prescribed for me, and her life was ruined. Of course, she didn’t stop with morphine and Xanax. And neither of them had ever even been prescribed to her. I know that’s not going to happen to me. But still, it bugs me. She was someone I cared about very much.

I just so want all of this to be over. I wish I could do like Adam Sandler in that movie, Click (I think), where he had the remote control and could fast foward life. I want to get to the point where things are back to normal.

Normal just can’t come fast enough.

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2 Responses to Baby Steps Back To Normalcy

  1. Right now the only option I can offer is prayer. That’s all I’ve got, all that’s keeping me from going over the edge. I’ve been in pain for so long, and been just laying around, that I just can’t hardly stand it. I tried having people come over, but now I just don’t want to be bothered.

    In the past, when I’ve had to fight it, things like getting dressed, making myself look my best, and getting out of the house helped. Just sitting around in my pj’s with dirty hair makes it worse. But now, that’s my only option.

    I don’t know anything about your religous preferences, and I certainly don’t mean to be pushy about mine. But that’s all I’ve got to offer. If it were not for prayer, both my own and that of those around me, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. Or just given up and let myself get loopy on the meds just to pass the time.

    I will pray for you. And I believe God will help both of us.

  2. Hi — I had the gastric bypass done in June of 2008 — I am dealing with the staring at the walls. It is true — that normal can not come fast enough. I also have other medical problems on top of having the bypass done. Any suggestions on dealing with the depression without meds — because I am at that point. Would like to hear from you. I am from Ontario Canada and not many support options where I live. Thanks for writing this story.