It’s been forever since I’ve posted, and I’m sorry. I guess I do these things in spurts.
In fact, I originally wrote this post at the end of January. But computer problems prevented me from publishing it. Below, I mention that I’m 2 pounds away from goal. I’ve been hovering between goal and five pounds below it for several weeks now.
But what I was feeling at the time seems important, even though I’ve worked a lot of it out. I’ll post again soon (I promise!), but for now, here is the post from January:
A lot is happening. I’m sooo close to my goal weight – like 2 pounds away as of this morning. I’ve actually hit it once, but then bounced back up a few pounds the next day. Now that I’m here, tho, I’ve revised it. I think there are still 10 or 15 pounds of fat lurking in my tummy and thighs.
Between losing all this weight, and the really bad experience I had last year (where I really could have died), I realize that I’ve changed tremendously. The outside is obvious – sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just don’t recognize the person looking back. She’s a lot hotter than the me I’m used to.
That in itself brings up a whole host of issues. It’s weird when men I don’t know hit on me. It’s even weirder when men I do know do it.
A couple of weeks ago, I was at the stop sign at the exit of my neighborhood, waiting to turn left. A guy in a pickup truck was coming from that direction, and stared at me so hard as he went by that he drifted into the other lane and almost got hit. It was really funny – and a totally new experience for me.
I told my husband about it – he’s not sure how to handle this. Apparently, he’s heard from other men that I look good. He doesn’t know whether to thank them or punch them.
I find myself doing things (that I can’t really talk about here) that I never imagined I’d ever do. Some are wonderful. Some are like, what are you thinking?
It’s like I’ve become a completely different person than who I was before. I’m not sure who this new person is. She’s similar to the old me… she’s much more bubbly and outgoing. She’s tougher. She’s a lot less willing to settle for less than what she deserves.
She does bear a striking resemblance to the me I’ve always wanted to be. Mostly, anyway.
Of course, this should come as no surprise, but there are things in my life that haven’t changed that I wish would. That I thought would. But losing weight didn’t make them go away. In some ways, it has just magnified the fact that I’m not happy with those things.
But I no longer have the excuse of being fat – I’d be happy if only I weren’t fat. These things would work out if only I weren’t fat. Well, I’m not fat any more and yes, it’s fantastic, but it hasn’t solved everything. Instead it’s left those things exposed and demanding to be dealt with.
So I find myself asking those closest to me to bear with me just a little longer. I still feel like I’m looking at life through a fun house mirror. Yeah, I know I’m a little self-absorbed at the moment. But I have a lot to try and work out.
Hopefully, I’ll figure me out before too much longer.